Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Leaving on a Jet Plane

this is the song that was playing in my head saturday and sunday as i packed up to leave my home.  the home i've had for the past 4 years, with my sweetie.  sadly we want different things, he wants marriage, i want kids.  funny thing is, i'm afraid of marriage because i'm scared of what another divorce will do to me emotionally and yet this break-up, is ten times worse.  i feel deflated, defeated, broken, unstable and slightly unsettled.  these days sleep comes to me from the aid of medication and even still i don't feel rested.  i am thankful for friends who live many miles away, who call when they can, who text and write me everyday to make sure i'm doing ok and try to get me to smile.  the radio has been torturing me, playing songs like Alone Again by Dokken, The Crue's Without You and Heavan by Warrent, songs that are not good for one in this state of mind.  i have to force myself not to listen to Tom Waits, not good for a melancholy soul.  i'm not a wallower.  i never have been.  i don't know if this is a good thing or not.  probably not. this year has been hard on my personally as it has been on doug.  this is just the perverbal cherry on top.  suffice to say i cannot wait for this year to be over and a new, better one to begin. 

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