maybe

i am grumpy today.  grumpy because i miss doug.  grumpy i cannot have the one my heart desires.  maybe it's too much frank. maybe it's not enough dean.  maybe it's not enough solitude.  i am a walking contraditcion, an introvert and an extrovert, calm and anxious, loud and quiet.  no wonder i'm confused. 

When you wish upon a star

i use to believe in wishing upon stars, fate and the like, but to be honest it's screwed me over so many times, i just can't anymore.  that makes me sad.  i liked believing in those things, like there was a plan for me, something that i didn't have to do, just patiently wait and good things will come. well my patience is running out, maybe tonight i'll wish upon a star for a little bit more. 

Leaving on a Jet Plane

this is the song that was playing in my head saturday and sunday as i packed up to leave my home.  the home i've had for the past 4 years, with my sweetie.  sadly we want different things, he wants marriage, i want kids.  funny thing is, i'm afraid of marriage because i'm scared of what another divorce will do to me emotionally and yet this break-up, is ten times worse.  i feel deflated, defeated, broken, unstable and slightly unsettled.  these days sleep comes to me from the aid of medication and even still i don't feel rested.  i am thankful for friends who live many miles away, who call when they can, who text and write me everyday to make sure i'm doing ok and try to get me to smile.  the radio has been torturing me, playing songs like Alone Again by Dokken, The Crue's Without You and Heavan by Warrent, songs that are not good for one in this state of mind.  i have to force myself not to listen to Tom Waits, not good for a melancholy soul.  i'm not a wallower.  i never have been.  i don't know if this is a good thing or not.  probably not. this year has been hard on my personally as it has been on doug.  this is just the perverbal cherry on top.  suffice to say i cannot wait for this year to be over and a new, better one to begin. 

14 years

14 years ago i lost the greatest man i've ever known.  i miss you daddy.

Who is Holly?

(Probably should have been the first posting...but it wasn't so tough :p)

Holly Golightly: the naïve, eccentric woman from Breakfast at Tiffany's.   

I've always been the kind of gal who will skip down the street, catch a snowflake on her tongue and if in the right mood, will strike up a conversation with a stranger.  I don't talk, I babble on randomly, my thoughts bouncing from one subject to another and then if I can remember what it is, back to my original thought.  I compare it to that of a 4 year with A.D.D on a sugar high.  The boy remembers this from way back when walking around Davis Sq.  He told me in one of our emails that, that I seemed so alive to him then. 
He also mentioned that I had changed from that girl back then and he was right.  Back then I never really cared what others thought of me, I was comfortable with who I was, and happy with myself, and yet somewhere in the living of life, the older I got, I started caring what others thought and tried to conform to what they wanted.  I had lost my inner Holly.  
Well boys & girls, I made a vow to myself to get her back.  I need to find a place where me and things go together.  So I ask you 'What Would Holly Do?'.